My husband went Monday morning to give his contribution to this little project. He wasn’t exactly thrilled, but I was happy to remind him that this was the ONLY thing he had to do through all of this (besides put up with me). After this test we would know if he was having any issues or if we needed to ignore him and focus on me. Normally I would welcome all the attention on me (I’m an entertainer at heart and love an audience), but in this case I was actually hoping something would be wrong with his guys.
Weird, right? And also a little bitchy of me. I couldn’t believe that I was actually hoping something would be wrong with his sperm, but I was. I was hoping we were in this together and that he could experience the same failure and disappointment that I was. So when I got the call on Friday that, “Nathan’s specimen results were great and we have nothing to worry about concerning him,” I couldn’t believe that I wasn’t happy. I should be ecstatic that it’s not a problem with both of us, right? But I wasn’t.
After I got off the phone with the nurse and hearing Nathan’s results I immediately felt an enormous amount of pressure. This test just confirmed that it was me. The problem is with me. The reason we haven’t been able to get pregnant is because of me. Don’t get me wrong, Nathan has done an AMAZING job of
putting up with me comforting and reassuring me that we are 100% in this together, but hearing the words that Nathan was fine were still hard to swallow. To be honest, I wanted it to be him. Well I wanted this to just all be a fluke and for nothing to be wrong with either one of us, but if it had to be one of us I was hoping it was him. See… totally bitchy!
I mean my body has 1 job to do as a woman! It was made to make and have babies. So why is my shit defective? “Get it together ovaries!” I know I’m being irrational and extreme, but I tried my best to explain to Nathan that I have every right to be. We aren’t trying to decide on something like a paint color and Lowe’s tells us that color is discontinued. This is our future child and someone is telling us there is a chance this might not happen for us. It’s a big deal. Probably one of the biggest deals of our lives! So I’m singing, “They’re my ovaries and I’ll cry if I want to.”
I can write all of this because I’ve already expressed my disappointment to Nathan and being the saint that he is, he gets it. Just like he gets it when I send him to Jack in the Box at 9 pm just to get me curly fries (that happened last night by the way), he just gets it. If he could carry this burden for me I know he would.
So here we are again, waiting. I probably won’t have an update for a while because I don’t go back to the doctor for a couple of weeks. I’ll go back at the end of the month for more
torture blood work to check my progesterone levels and then I’ll go back sometime around the first of October to test my FSH levels again. After these tests we’ll be able to compare and then plan our next step. Until then, I’ll be drinking trying to keep myself busy and doing my best to “relax.”
PS – I really do appreciate all the kind words and advice so PLEASE keep it coming. I just find ecards about infertility hilarious and very accurate.