Well I’m currently in the fetal position, mixing up my personal cocktail of extra strength Tylenol and wine and I just ate a half a box of zebra cakes and two cosmic brownies for good measure (I wish I was exaggerating). All of this can only mean one thing… Aunt Flow is back in town. In case you didn’t pay attention in health class, starting your period is a bad thing when you are trying to get pregnant. You’re welcome for the quick lesson in reproduction. I’m apologizing ahead of time for my current bad attitude during this post. That’s a lie. I’m actually not apologizing at all and I shouldn’t have to. As if the period hormones weren’t enough to make me a real moody b****, let’s just throw in the disappointment of finding out that once again I’m not pregnant to really make me an absolute delight.

So here we are again, an all too familiar scene. I’m drinking and complaining and eating and hoping my husband doesn’t leave me in the process. Just kidding! I know he’s not going anywhere, but I do feel pretty bad for him for these 5 days out of every month when he has to find reasons to stay out of the house to put up with me.

We did get a sliver of positive information on Friday. That positivity is all down the crapper after today, but I thought I’d go ahead and share. The results of my blood work last week came back on Friday. Actually they came back on Thursday. My doctor’s office called Thursday at 4:29 pm. I missed the call and they left a message. “Samantha, this is Dr. G’s office and we are calling to give you the results of your recent blood test. We would like to talk about a few things so please call us back as soon as possible. Our phone lines shut down for the day at 4:30.” Awesome! Thanks for giving me so much time to get back to you today. It’s not like I’ve been a hot mess waiting for the results. I’m clearly completely calm. After I listen to the message I frantically call back and of course am met with the answering machine. I had missed the deadline for the day. So now I would have to spend Thursday evening drinking, googling and overreacting. Repeat.

I called back first thing at 8 am on Friday morning and no one answered so I left a message and waited not so patiently for them to call me back. A few sober hours later (apparently it’s frowned upon to drink at work before 10 am. Rude!) the doctor’s office finally pops up on my caller id. Before the nurse could even start talking I immediately started in my typical word vomit fashion and asked questions. Once she shut me up calmed me down, she said we had some good news. “The blood work showed that you DID ovulate last cycle.” YAY ovaries!!! I guess those ovary pep talks we’ve been having are doing some good. I stopped listening for a moment and just enjoyed the good news. It was short lived. Then I was brought back to reality when I asked the nurse, “So what does this mean?” She let me know that since my FSH levels are high, but the blood test showed that I am ovulating this could mean that the eggs my body is producing are not of good quality. Or it could mean that maybe I have some blockage and the eggs can’t get where they need to be. We won’t really know for sure until we run some more tests.

Once again, here’s a shocker… we’re waiting! I’ll go back this week for more torture blood work. The good news is the guy who’s been drawing my blood is super into TV so he’s figured out the best way to distract me from the needles is by discussing the latest episode of The Real Housewives of OC, Below Deck, Grey’s Anatomy, The Blacklist and the list goes one. They’ll test my FSH levels again this week so we can compare them to the last round. Once we get those results back we’ll set up an appointment to determine our next step which will include some pretty invasive vaginal exams… jealous?

So until next time I’ll leave you with this… I’m pretty sure I could make my first million by selling combination packs of tampons and zebra cakes. GENIOUS!

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