This Thanksgiving I’ve got a lot to be thankful for, but most of all this year I’m thankful for my infertility. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Did she really just say she is thankful for infertility? This broad must be drunk already.” And you’d be correct in that assumption. Wine goes great with turkey and potatoes and bread and pie and pie and pie… well you get the picture. I like wine and pie and if you don’t then you should probably stop reading my blog because we can’t be friends. Of all the things I have to be thankful for this year, my infertility is at the top of my list.
This year has been the best and worst of my life. When you picture starting a family that picture in your head usually doesn’t include blood work, ultrasounds before you’re pregnant, invasive vaginal procedures, snotty doctors, so many pee sticks (seriously SO MANY! I feel like I single handedly keep ClearBlue in business) and lots and lots of crying. Unfortunately that is what the journey is like for so many women. A time of your life that is supposed to be scary but full of excitement and anticipation suddenly becomes a different kind of scary after a few months of only seeing 1 line on the pregnancy test month after month. After this description I’m sure you’re wondering how someone could be thankful for this. Well in no particular order, here are the reasons I’m thankful for my infertility:
- I say these are in no particular order, but I think my first reason is definitely the most important. I’m thankful for my infertility because it has brought me closer to God. In a time where it’s easy to ask “why are You doing this to me” (and trust me, I’ve cried that out more times than I can count), I’ve learned that I need to let go and just have faith. Even though I don’t understand His plan (as a matter of fact I HATE His plan), but it’s not up to me. I still struggle with letting go on a daily basis (I’m a control freak, remember), but I know that my life and our future children are all in God’s hands. Without that comfort and my faith I don’t know how I would have survived this past year. And maybe, just maybe… that’s been His plan all along. To bring me closer to Him and to teach me to let go.
- I’m thankful for my infertility because it has brought me closer to my husband. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, that man is a saint! I don’t know how he has put up with me for the past year, but he hasn’t divorced me yet is still sticking around. I’ve leaned on him to be my strength and my support, he has been my source of laughter when all I wanted to do was cry, to be my caregiver after procedures and so much more. He has done it all time and time again and I know I couldn’t have made it through this year without him. He continues to amaze me with the amount of love he shows me. His constant reassurance that I’m not crazy we are in this together has meant more to me than I’ve been able to babble out through the constant sobs.
- I’m thankful for my infertility because it has brought me friendship. Weird, I know. By blogging and putting my story out in the open I have received countless messages from friends and strangers to be honest. Seriously, people came out of the freaking woodworks! I’ve learned more about my friend’s struggles that they maybe didn’t feel comfortable sharing before. I know how it feels to be scared to talk about infertility. You feel ashamed and embarrassed that ‘your body can’t do what it’s made to do.’ It’s a constant mind game of: my best friend just announced she’s pregnant. I’m saying congratulations, but thinking I wish it was me. And I wish so and so would quit asking me when I’m going to have a baby. And should I tell my friends about the endless amounts of details that go along with infertility? Will they care? Will they understand? Any woman who struggles with infertility can relate to all of the above and the second you know someone else is experiencing the same problems you are it’s an instant unleashing of word vomit because you just know they will get it. You don’t have to explain the acronyms. You share doctors. You swap stories of success and you swap stories of sorrow. It’s a club that I never wanted to be a part of, but it’s comforting to know that in an instant I’m a phone call, a text message or a Facebook chat away from getting support from a woman who has been in my shoes. And in my case, my go-to Gals ALWAYS know just what to say. Special shout out to my Twin. You’ve been a constant ray of sunshine and a reminder that there is always hope.
- I’m thankful for my infertility because it has given me a special appreciation for the creation of life. Making a baby is hard and I’ve heard actually growing a human is even harder! The miracle of life is such an amazing thing. Experiencing infertility has made me feel like a doctor (don’t worry, I won’t be performing surgeries anytime soon). I’ve learned more about a woman’s body and reproduction than I really ever cared to know. I obviously knew all the basics, but once you experience infertility you end up knowing your body inside and out. It’s truly an amazing thing. Everything I’ve gone through this past year has just completely changed my outlook on motherhood and I can’t wait for the day when we welcome a beautiful little baby into our home.
- And last but certainly not least… I’m thankful for my infertility because it has given me a free pass to get drunk drink wine and rant about s*** on the internet.